My name is Elijah Kihlstadius. I’m 19 years old, and I want to make a difference in this world. My story starts many years back, really.
I struggled quite a lot growing up. Growing up, I was in a very emotionally and verbally abusive environment. I was always the odd kid out, the odd ball, and the misfit. Unfortunately that environment changed me for the worse, as I grew into my teen years hating myself and hating everyone around me as well.
The simple self-hate and low self-esteem which basically defined me was about to become the first step in a downward spiral that would last even until this very day. At first, it was simple self-neglect and social avoidance. Between feeling completely alone and being abused by my family in many ways, I began to hate myself.
My mind slowly faded into depression as I grew into my later teen years. Things just kept getting darker and darker. By the time I was 18, I was letting my poor eating habits turn into an eating disorder and was struggling to keep from hurting myself due to the feeling of failure that resulted from that.
I spent the majority of that year, in addition to struggling with self-harm, fighting my eating disorder. Technically classified as E.D.N.O.S. (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), my disorder had caused me to maintain an unhealthy weight, and made it difficult for me to have a healthy immune system due to the lack of nutrients going into my body. The combination of this disordered eating and the fight against self-harm (which I ended up losing ) caused my depression to worsen dramatically.
Soon after I had turned 19, I was diagnosed with extreme depression. I was told that I should not be able to function. I was told that people in my mental state should not be able to work or go to school. I was told that people, like me, should be immediately admitted into a hospital for intensive treatment and therapy. And yet, here I am. Still trying to achieve my goals and show the world that I am not limited by my weaknesses.
By this point I had already self-harmed by cutting and carving my hands and fingers. I had already planned to kill myself multiple times, but never had the “balls” to commit suicide. And, my eating disorder was in full-swing, keeping from eating more than one small meal a day—if anything at all.
But I had a dream. I had an ambition. I wanted to study abroad, to go to a DTS in Switzerland, to see the world and to see God. I wanted to fix my life somehow, and believed that this would be the way to start a new beginning with myself and Him.
I couldn’t tell my family, I was afraid they wouldn’t support me. I could barely tell my closest friends, I was afraid they would judge me. I felt like I was all alone in it, and that it was all going to depend on me.
But I still tried. I still pursued it. And I made it there. In the fall, after everything that had happened, including going to the emergency room for being suicidal, I made it to Switzerland.
And you know what? God changed my life through that. By pursuing my dream, I could see that God can really do SO much, even when it’s next to impossible to see any hope or potential. I saw that life really was worth living for, if you live seeking after God no matter what. My depression became weaker and weaker, my eating was easier and easier, and I myself became stronger and stronger.
All of this because I made that one choice to simply say “Ok God, I trust you and I will try.” Against all the odds, I went for it. And He worked mightily through it.
As of now, now being a few months before my 20th birthday, I’m still recovering. I’ve come a long way, and I’ve become so much stronger in so many ways, but I’m not there yet. This battle isn’t over, and it’s a process that I need to keep going through. Although I haven’t “made it,” I still am choosing to fight and choosing to keep going no matter if I fall on my way or stumble on this journey to recovery.
This is me. I am learning to accept the things I cannot change, and I am fighting to change the things that I can.
